Beth Grider 
Defiance. Resistance, opposition, disobedience, rebellion. It is what we do, when we don’t want to do what we ought or what we are instructed. It is often the natural reaction of children, when they want a different way than their parents. Often defiance is encouraged by core beliefs. And it is second nature (well, sometimes first nature) for our child with complex developmental trauma, previously known as reactive attachment disorder.
I would instruct him to study his spelling words. He not only refused to look at the list, he would go into a fit of rebellion! The teacher’s aide asked the class to put their heads down on their desks after recess. Everyone in the class obeyed the aide, except our child. He argued and refused the chance for rest; of course, he was sent out of the classroom. I’m sure his rebellion kept the other students from settling down as well! It’s not just a rebellious phase for our guy. He has been like this for years. When his previous foster dad reminded him that he had lost the privilege to go outside, he cursed him as he walked out the door.
Our son often has a heart of defiance, related to his past. We know that his disorder leads him to resist even what is best for him. We recognize that his parents didn’t do what was best for him or even protect him. They didn’t teach him obedience, and they didn’t offer him the trust he needed to choose to obey. There were times when his parents taught him to do things that were wrong, and sometimes illegal. So, it’s difficult to know what will move him beyond his defiant spirit.
But, what about us? Why do we live in disobey our Heavenly Father?
- We believe we know better than God. Like my son, we think we know best and we want to be in control of our own lives and live according to our own rules. But, unlike my son’s biological parents, who were flawed, our Father God is perfect (Psalm 18:30). He is omniscient and omnipotent. “Our Lord is great, vast in power; His understanding is infinite” (Psalm 147:4). He always has our best interest in mind and He is faithful. So, why are we defiant, again?
- We believe that God isn’t trustworthy. My son doesn’t think he can trust us because other adults have let him down. In the same way, we don’t think we can trust God because people have let us down. Our world is fallen and trust is often broken, but God is trustworthy. He is faithful and His Word is true. “For the word of the Lord is right, and all His work is trustworthy” (Psalm 33:4).
- We believe that we can’t stop or prevent our defiance. We know that we are born into sin and we use that as an excuse to live in the darkness. Rebellion is part of our sin nature. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). Just as we pursue and love our son, despite his defiance, God pursues and loves us in our defiance. “But God proves His own love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us!” (Romans 5:8). When a person accepts Jesus as Lord and Savior, that person is forgiven for all acts of rebellion. The person becomes a new creation! “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look new things have come” (2 Corinthians 5:17). The Holy Spirit continues to change the from the inside out making him/her less rebellious and more like Jesus. The follower of Christ recognizes God’s love and mercy and responds in obedience to God’s Word.
- We believe we can follow Jesus and be our own god. Many of us say we are followers of Christ, but we live in defiance. God’s Word isn’t the authority. Just as my son does as he pleases despite the direction he is given, many believers live anyway we choose, despite the direction from God’s Word. Our lives do not line up with Scripture We say we trust Jesus, but we do whatever we want and live in sin. Living a lifestyle that isn’t in line with the Bible is living in defiance to God. We aren’t talking about people who are tempted and fail, but seek the Lord’s forgiveness. If we ask for forgiveness, He is faithful to forgive. But the Apostle Paul said that we shouldn’t keep sinning in order to receive more grace. When we fail, we must ask for forgiveness and turn totally away from that sin. We can’t live in Christ and live in a defiant lifestyle at the same time.
- We believe it’s okay to disobey God’s Word if we have a good reason. Many of us argue or rationalize our disobedience. We hear or read the Scripture, but we determine that some of them aren’t for us. We decide that if God knew how unreasonable my parents are, He wouldn’t want me to obey them. Or, we fuss about how we just can’t forgive that same person, again. And we reason that God knows that we are loving, but there is that one co-worker; God must know about him…surely, he is exempt!
Just like my son, we have a heart of defiance and we rationalize our sin. God’s Word is the ultimate authority. God knows about our challenges and He allows us to love challenging people to encourage them and to grow us. Man’s rules will always change with the times, but God designed us and He knows what is best for us.
Do you live according to God’s Word? Here are a few verses to ponder as you consider your answer.
He said to him, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.” (Matthew 22:37)
Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church…(Ephesians 5:22)
Therefore, God’s chosen ones, holy and loved, put on heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, accepting one another and forgiving one another if anyone has a complaint against another. Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive. (Colossians 3:12-13)
Do nothing out of rivalry or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves. (Philippians 2:3)
Children, obey your parents as you would the Lord, because this is right. (Ephesians 6:1)
Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church…(Ephesians 5:22)
I give you a new command: Love one another. Just as I have loved you, you must also love one another. (John 13:34)
Pursue peace with everyone, and holiness—without it no one will see the Lord. (Hebrews 12:14)
We desire to obey; at times, it’s just a little challenging. Our core beliefs about us and God, determine our response to His authority in our lives. What we believe impacts whether or not we are defiant. Like my son, we may have times of rebellion, but God is a loving Father who is always waiting for us to seek Him and His amazing grace. I encourage you to love God and live according to His Word. “In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands” (1 John 5:3). Commit to a heart of submission to God’s Word and pray for God to reveal any areas in which you’re struggling. Submit your struggle with defiance to the lover of your soul.
Keep up the good work you are doing for the Lord! It’s inspirational to see you write all these articles of Hope, Love, Peace and even Sadness. It helps us to lean on God stronger.
Thank you:)
What happened to your son. Did he change?
Hello Yvonne,
My son did not change. After great effort on our part and the very best programs available for his attachment disorder, he continued to be aggressive and unsafe for us and himself. Sadly, he had to return to the foster care system. Thank you for asking. I miss him terribly and I continue to pray for him.
What????? So disappointed….So what you told this young man , and all of us, is that God is not able????
Hello Dianna,
To have any understanding of what we told our son would require walking through this with us for over six years. It looks as if disappointment is disguised as judgement, and we know that God knows and understands the intentions of our hearts.
We never told our son that God was not able to heal him. Quite the opposite; we shared Jesus and His Light and love with our son. We prayed with him, read the Bible to him and brought him into the church family. We continue to pray for that healing. And our hope is that someday he will want the healing that is available to him.
However, with three other kids (2 younger than him), we determined for the safety of our family, including him, that he would need to be safe to live with others before coming back into the home. Sadly, he was and still is not safe for himself or others. Multiple times he ran across major highways, raged daily (beating and kicking windshields) when I was driving all of the children on the highway or from school, he hit the back of the car seat with his fist with the youngest child in the seat, put his hand through a glass window twice, and that is just scratching the surface.
It’s heartbreaking and as you have not been in the situation, I wouldn’t expect you to understand. However, if you are concerned pray for our son and for all of the children who are in foster care. Our son’s disorder is very high on the spectrum, but many other kids are suffering with some degree of various disorders. I have many friends who continue to care for foster children, and it continues to take too long to terminate parental rights when a parent is not at all involved with the child.
I have struggled with defiance since 11/12 years old & I’m 29 and still struggling.
I have a good lover & great friend that allows me to see who I am on my own terms and not let me fall to the wayside.
This has helped me a lot on my introspection journey.
Thank you. 💕